As I’m writing this, I’m on fever…
I’ve told my girlfriend, that I haven’t been myself for a long time. My own experince is, that I’m somehow absent and can’t express my thoughts and emotions, because I’m absent; I don’t really seem to be able to ”reach” my thoughts and emotions.
I promised my girlfriend, that this Christmas I try to be more present, live here and now… I also try to remember that young man, that I was 20 years ago; I somehow owe him too… Though I shouldn’t look too much back, but I still must reach for my roots, for the past best days.. That were not so good..
For the end I want to wish you all Merry Christmas!
This book has been perhaps the most important book to me…
Just a short post on my and my girlfriend’s Christmas together in 2017.
It’s been almost a year and we are planning in piece and quiet our next Christmas.
The most important thing in the coming Christmas is, that we spend it together. Our plans are to make it some kind of quiet Christmas with lots of reading.
At the moment there is snow in here, but let us hope, that there is snow in the land also in Christmas. 🙂
Sometime in 2008 I heard music while sleeping. In fact it was me composing music in a dream. I always manage to do things in my dreams better than when I’m awake. The first time I composed music in my dream while sleeping, was when I was 15 years old.
The Amiga has only 4 hardware music channels. In my dream I had more advanced Amiga, that had 5 hardware channels and I composed with it music that I can’t really even imagine, when I’m awake — the music composed in my dream was beyond my ability to make music…
In 2008 I tried to put the notes together that I had heard in my dream. This is the result:
Sometimes when I’m programming in my dreams I feel that there is something, that I must program. I see the result of programming while sleeping, also the code and I experience myself thinking how to program something..
Sometimes when I’m over stressed in programming when I’m in fact sleeping, I suddenly realize that I’m not awake — I’m sleeping and I don’t have to do anything at all! …or do I still have to do all that? …even stress myself while sleeping and having a dream.
Those are moments when I experience somehow, that I have control over my dreams while sleeping…
Sometimes while sleeping and having a dream it takes a while to realize that I’m now not awake, this is only a dream. Though, I’ve started to think, that can I really say about my dreams, that they are only dreams…
I’ve had many nightmares where I’m haunted by demons.. Often in those nigthmares I’m also blind and can’t see my enemies — the demons — who attack me in number of ways… Once I fell off my bed to the floor and I woke up. In my dream I was dodging a demon impaling me…
In my high school times I mostly listened to Amiga music and C64 music rather than ”real” music. I will now take a look back in time to some of the best Amiga modules I listened to.
Spell Amelioration from Uncle Tom was one of my favorites. Personal and technically good ProTracker music module.
Also Poseidon from Uncle Tom was one of my favorites.
Of course Klisje paa klisje was a real good tune to listen to:
Jogeir Liljedahl’s Face Another Day had big enlightening impact on me:
Many chip tunes on Amiga really touched me. Below is a compilation of some of the most famous chip tunes including many of my favorites:
Many people have been touched by good Amiga music and remixed their favorite tunes with synthesizers and real instruments.
Below is my own so called chip tune made with OctaMED on Amiga:
Some of the Amiga musicians have become professonal musicians.
If you’ve had C64 and/or Amiga childhood and/or youth this was probably good nostalgic trip to you too.
I bought a present to my girlfriend recently: Lotus flower crystal candle holder. Along with this gift I wrote a short poetic story about the Lotus flower and us.
We share here shortly some short thoughts in a little different words since the original document I wrote is personal.
I wanted to wish to my girlfriend good health. One of the meanings of the Lotus Flower is well being.
”May our shared tea moments at the Lotus flower vibrate our love to our home; and will the home vibrate the energy of our love back to us even stronger.”
Love and its energy is a strong power to maintain and bring good health.
One profound mystic meaning of the Lotus flower is, that it can provide a sense of cosmic connection and energy within oneness of all being.
In the philosophy of sacred geometry is written lots of mystic philosophy of the Lotus flower.
Below is a video of the Lotus flower:
This post is part of what I’ve written in a cafeteria when I was too alone and lonely in 2007…
Is my loneliness my “friend”? Why it doesn’t want to let go of me? Would it be alone then? Does loneliness need someone in order it wouldn’t be alone? Would loneliness die, if I wouldn’t be alone? Is loneliness my only friend who wants, that our “friendship” doesn’t cease to be?
Is loneliness like evil spirit that tries to encapsulate an individual inside itself? Furthermore, is it so, that loneliness can’t take being alone itself; and because of that, it forces someone to be its “friend” and therefore lonely people does exist? Is loneliness afraid of loneliness itself? If so, does it try to put its own fears to its victim?
If the victim is not afraid of loneliness, will loneliness die as useless? Does loneliness need the fear of loneliness? What if that fear becomes useless?
Is being lonely substantially different thing that being afraid that one is lonely? Yes.
Does loneliness try to scare people? From what does loneliness find its purpose to live? From the loneliness of other people? What can take away the purpose of loneliness? Is it enough that one is not afraid of loneliness? Will loneliness begin to be afraid of loneliness itself then?
Image courtesy of PaulR at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Will the heart of the loneliness be broken, if no-one doesn’t want to be alone and lonely? Is loneliness then itself alone and lonely? Is loneliness then afraid of itself? If so, loneliness can’t eventually exist; is that like loneliness had found itself?
If so, it is afraid that it will be left alone for good and that it is deserted, even though hardly no-one ever wanted or liked it.
Its own fear teaches to it then, that it is evil. Friendship will burn it into non-existent.
When I first posted to this blog my first short thoughts about the meaning of the life, I had completely forgotten, that in 1994 I had first read Viktor E. Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning, original name Ein Psycholge erlebt das Konzentrationslager (some kind of direct translation into English could be ”A Psychologist experiences a concentration camp”. The Finnish translation to the book is Ihmisyyden rajalla. Direct translation to this in English is On the border of humanity.
Why this book is so important to me is, that my so called high school (lukio) years were pure hell to me… My math teacher was sure that I would fail the 6 hours examination on math and I can’t blame him: Because of the circumstances while I was at high school, I didn’t at first pass some of the math courses. At lukio in Finland the grades are from 4 to 10 in all the courses. I got some 4s in math and had to try again to get at least 5 to pass the course. It was a miracle that the average of my math grades eventually was even 6 that is really weak grade.
From the final 6 hours exam that is the same (though in math there is more advanced line compared to the other to choose from) for every high school students in Finland, I got eventually cum laude approbatur as grade. At the time the grades for this exam were improbatur (failed), approbatur, lubenter approbatur, cum laude approbatur, magna cumlaude approbatur and laudatur. Nowadays there is eximia magna cum laude approbatur between magna and laudatur.
But I didn’t do the final exam that consists of many days of 6 hours exams with the other students. With my school’s principal I had agreed that I will do the whole exam apart from the other students. This was how in my high school years I did eventually also all the courses after the first year.
Image courtesy of surasakiStock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
After I had read many Viktor E. Frankl’s books, it was after two years when I took the one chance to try to raise my math grades: I got 9 for the 11 math courses, laudatur for the final exam. I was on the ”advanced mathematics” courses at high school. Though compared to university math those high school courses are child play.
I compared often my high school years to Frankl’s experiences. Of course his experiences were whole lot more extreme: He couldn’t be sure if he sees the next morning – or hour… Though, later on my life seeing the next morning hasn’t been very certain…
To emphasize Frankl’s books importance, they made me understand how to live. One point is: No matter how terrible the circumstances in one’s life are, one should strive to see some meaning to live and get even further in life. The worst case that Frankl describes for a human is, that one has only one’s existence. This is where one should try to find meaning to one’s existence, after that one can begin to find meanings to one’s life.
I really should get back to the ideas of meaning of life. As Frankl’s says, he understood, that the highest goal in one’s life is love. But as to meaning of life, Frankl has written that life (some other person) should ask that from oneself; it’s hard to really find the meaning of life by oneself. Even if one can as a word or some kind of concept see love as the primary meaning of life, depending on the circumstances it may be hard to find the right path directly.
One thing that I’ve said to myself sometimes is: Life must be experienced, it’s not be watched on the TV. Only by living, one can learn how to live and get real experiences from which to learn.
Link: Wikipedia: Viktor E. Frankl